Hoping for Real Hope

I was working with a client the other day and helping her come up with lists of things she liked about those she trusted (with the goal of helping her discover qualities that she could see and develop in herself). She surprised me when she had me write, "Calls me out on my crap," for both her primary therapist and her foster mom.

As much as I don't like being told I'm in the wrong, I think I can relate to that on a spiritual level.

Recently I've been having issues finding spiritual peace and reassurance. I've tried going to the temple regularly and reading my scriptures and doing all the churchy things. And it's not like I haven't felt the Spirit or felt God's love--I have--I just haven't felt nourished. It's like I've been stuck outside in the heat all day, parched, and I'm sticking my head in the freezer trying to drink the cold air.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Jessica, if there's a freezer, there's probably a sink nearby. Just go get a glass of water, you silly goose." (Imagine you actually talk that way.)

I've realized that I'm not really focused. My head is in the clouds of possibilities and I'm doing stupid things to keep me distracted. I'm the reason for my spiritual dehydration. And part of the reason for the distance I've created between me and God is because I don't want him to call me out on my crap. I don't want to be told that I need to focus on others in my spare time or that I need to be working more diligently on my calling. I don't want to bear my testimony to others or share the good news of the gospel. I just want to work on stupid goals like learning how to beatbox.

*Sigh*

I read the talk "Brightness of Hope" by Neal A Maxwell the other day (and I know it's popular to love him and be an intellectual by liking his talks, but I really do love this talk more than other talks I've read on the same subject), and I learned about hope.

...those who look forward to a next and better world are usually 'anxiously engaged' in improving this one, for they 'always abound in good works.' Thus, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. It is composed, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation taking the form of determination—a determination not merely to survive but to 'endure … well' to the end.

While weak hope leaves us at the mercy of our moods and events, 'brightness of hope' produces illuminated individuals. Their luminosity is seen, and things are also seen by it! Such hope permits us to 'press forward' even when dark clouds oppress. Sometimes in the deepest darkness there is no external light—only an inner light to guide and to reassure.

I think I regularly try to find security in giddy, naive, and smug hope. My short bursts of determination aren't founded in anything lasting and real like the atonement or the plan of salvation. I'm so anxiously engaged in distractions that I'm bent over from the weight of looming fears that so often intrude upon my mind and heart. 

I don't have to be perfect to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, but I do have to strive and be diligent to be nourished spiritually. Then maybe my confidence will wax strong and I'll have that perfect brightness of real hope that he's talking about. 

So there. I'm bearing my testimony. I hope this counts for something. :)   

This picture/image is called "Don't Look Back: Standing Still is Going Backward."

http://www.erikjohanssonphoto.com/work#/dont-look-back/

Forward Motion

Lately I've had these spontaneous urges to climb, run, or jump. I'll see the new life science building and think, "Gosh, I just want to climb on top of that roof." Or I'll be sitting at home on my couch and think, "Man, I want to run right now," even though I'm exhausted and it's midnight and I hate running. Or I'll look out over the trail edge down a 50 foot drop and think--just kidding. I don't know why I listed "jump." I guess it just fits with those other actions. I mainly just get urges to climb and run.

I think these urges probably have something to do with feeling bored with how steady my life is. It's like this endless plateau spanning out in all directions for miles and miles. I mean, there's mountains to climb in my professional life (which is weird to think that I actually have a professional life), but my personal life is so predictable.

I should be grateful. Only a month ago it was so unpredictable that I had random emotional breakdowns, acid reflux (and other somatic symptoms), and absolutely no motivation to do anything but keep everything from falling apart. (Energy WASTED). I definitely don't want to go back to that, but I do feel like I've lost that feeling of purpose I once had. It's like I'm recent RM or something.

I need goals.

Goals:
1. Master French
2. Climb the roof of the new life science building
3. Get buff
4. Run an eight-minute mile
5. Learn how to beat-box
6. Be able to serenade someone with either the piano or guitar at any given moment when presented with either instrument.
7. Befriend and pet a duck
8. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE
9. Kiss at least one guy this summer
10. Finish my feature-length screenplay
11. Be a kick-ass social worker

BAM. I've got goals and they will happen. 

Jessica's Lousy Standards

Lately I've been having a hard time deciding what my standards are. I guess you could say I've been exposed to many different perspectives and lifestyles that I just don't care as much about the little things anymore. Two of those little things are profanity and entertainment selection.

CUSSING


I think sometimes that a cuss word can be the perfect word for the occasion. I don't think profanity is pleasant in excess, but sometimes a well-timed cuss word just cussing fits.

R-RATED MOVIES
I also think some rated-R movies are worth seeing. Usually it's worth it if it's meaningful and well known/well referenced, but sometimes it's worth it simply because it looks cool. That's why I'm seeing Mad Max: Fury Road this weekend. It looks awesome. Is it wrong to want to see something a bit edgy (at least for Mormons) just for the spectacle of it? Maybe.

The problem with admitting my moral weakness is that I might get a reaction like this:
"Oh! You have a problem with the church, too?? Let's be friends!"

And I'm like, "Whoah, whoah, whoah... I do not have issues with the church. I mean, I have some issues that are super personal and I'm not going to talk about them with someone who is openly having issues with the church, but I am a devoted member of the church. The gospel is kind of my life."

("Oh, and sure, we can be friends. Just not for that reason.")

Or sometimes the people who share my views are a bit lukewarm about the gospel. I'm not okay with that either.

And I know--not everyone is that way--but it concerns me that something as simple as a few good cuss words and rated-R movies could potentially limit my dating options.

So I'm questioning my standards for men. Omygosh. What is wrong with me?!!

Dammit. Bullshit. ASS.