Roles... and just trusting and moving forward

I was reading in my motivational interviewing book about a continuum of communication styles: directing, guiding, and following (where motivational interviewing seeks to find the middle ground), and it made me think of the roles of men and women in the LDS church.

Despite the few equality talks out there about men and women being equal partners, I still feel like men are given the director role and women are expected to take the following role. I don't like that at all. I want to be in a relationship where we both guide and follow each other. I think the directive style of communication should be used sparingly in relationships, if at all, and mainly with children. 

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Okay, so I wrote this really short blog post, and then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I fixated on the subject for a few days and then I rewrote this entry for a class discussion, except this time, with an edge of intolerance. The content barely differed from the above excerpt, but I was in a world of difference emotionally between this entry and that one. I was not happy.

I ended up calling a friend that day (a self-identified Mormon feminist male with a ginormous testimony) to talk it out. I just wanted to hear someone's thoughts who wouldn't feel the urge to shove their testimony down my throat without really hearing me. Because most my well-meaning friends would do just that or resist the urge for long enough for me to feel secure and then find a gap for their testimony. I get it. I really do. I have been that person many, many times. It's just not what I needed right then. 

After listening to my concerns sans judgment and giving some of his own thoughts on the same subject, my friend tangentially shared the thought that faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things and that sometimes we don't find the reassurances we seek immediately after the trial of our faith. It was that thought that led me to tears rather than the emotionally cluttered thoughts I shared initially (which thought process had begun as a rational venture. I think most trials of faith have rational beginnings. And you learn a lot by how you feel about new knowledge. The emotional reaction becomes a problem when it turns a concern into an obsession that rejects reason and/or consolation from God). It also gave me the opportunity for me to bare my testimony about how the Lord once blessed me with one reassurance long after numerous instances of knocking and waiting for one answer. When the answer came it was brief and a bit indirect, but given when I was most ready to receive it.

Not everything makes sense. We can blame a lot on semantics because it's easier to change the meaning of words than to change our worldviews. Whatever the real meaning behind the words in the Proclamation to the Family or other holy ordinances, there's probably a good reason why the Lord chose to use the specific words he used. One day everything will make sense. For now, I will try my best to follow the Spirit and blame the discrepancy of my understanding and the meaning of words on semantics and go on developing my dreams of Mormonism with a lens of feminism a more modern take on equality. I think my Heavenly Father is okay with that for now. 

:)

Speaking of equality, I realized this weekend why I am so moved by contemporary dance pairs (after attending Evidance for like, the 4th time). Unlike ballroom where you have a leader and a follower, contemporary dance doesn't have a leading and following role. Both partners react to the movements of the other and they have equal power to influence the direction and flow of the dance. It's less pristine and structured, but it's more expressive and emotive than other paired dancing. It tells the story about a living human relationship while ballroom showcases a stuffy traditional ideal.

(I am so sorry if a dance person is reading this. I realize that I don't really know what I'm talking about and that my description/terminology is choppy and incomplete. Also, I still adore ballroom lots. I just really, really enjoy watching contemporary dance. And I like equality-like things.)

More about dating

Big changes in my life:

1) Working at a prison

2) Working with inmates

3) Pretending like I'm not afraid of my clients

4) Doing school and an internship at the same time

5) Having a nephew

Picture time!! 

  Image 1. My little sister with Rhowan. Image 2. Mi madre/Grandma/"Lita" with Rhowan. Image 3. Steph copying Rhowan's grumpy face       

I can't even.

He is a DIVA.

Back to my list.

I'm really overwhelmed with four of those things, yet I still give myself time to worry about dating. It's dumb. I'm getting over it. Whatever. Implementing a paradigm shift right now.

Okay, it's a bigger stress than I let on...

Only a few days ago, I admitted to myself that I have this colossal fear that I might not ever get married. I know, I'm freaking out over nothing, I'm still young, and a big part of my singleness is due to waiting too long on one guy. And it's not like I don't have an active dating life or that I don't get asked on dates. I'm pretty blessed. Still, the thought of living alone for the rest of my life absolutely terrifies me. 

In one of my classes, everyone went around telling the class about one thing that was stressing them out and one thing they were grateful for. Most people shared that they were stressed out about school and almost everyone mentioned that they were grateful for their spouse. When it got to me, I decided to be honest and say that dating was stressing me out and that I was grateful for friends. I felt really stupid because I sounded exactly like a freshman.

As would be only natural for a group of therapists, we processed what it was like to hear what everyone shared and what we learned. To poke fun at myself (and maybe redeem myself?), I said, "I was surprised at how many people shared about their spouses. It made me happy to hear that everyone in this room has healthy relationships. So I felt happy for everyone. Then, immediately after that feeling, I felt self-pity."

Everyone laughed. I said that to be funny, but I was being completely honest. 

Self-pity is a silly, pathetic creature. It probably looks like this:

Okay, I don't feel that sorry for myself. I mainly feel this weight of time. Cuz like, I could totally be gone from the center for Mormon marriages in only a few months. I don't want to be an adult on my own!

With these real (and maybe, stupid) fears, I'm reminded of a video I saw about three or so years ago on mormonsandgays.org. 

I am fully aware that my experiences don't even touch the tremendous struggles this man has encountered--I can't even compare the two. Even so, I think of his testimony from time to time when I start to doubt or falter. It comes to mind for little things too, like my dating fears.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from Ty's Story:

At one point, I was feeling very, very distant, probably as far from God as I had ever felt, and I had this very strong spiritual experience, kind of a mystical experience, where I was almost being enveloped in this feeling of love. There was nothing in that that was ‘what you’re doing is right, what you’re doing is wrong’ it was just this feeling of ‘I love you.’ And I felt like God knew me, that he remembered me. And I needed that more than anything. Again, it wasn’t an affirmation, it wasn’t a rebuke, it was just ‘I love you.’ And so I continued just trying to move forward trying to find reconciliation... I was in a kind of a devotional address and the instructor was talking about Isaiah, “But if you take hold of the covenant, you shall have a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters.” And as he was talking about this verse, I just had again like this very powerful spiritual experience, that my place was in the Church, that’s where I needed to be. It was a very clear communication that whether you get married in this life or the next is of no matter, just stay with me. Stay with me. If you take life a day at a time, continuing to seek and cultivate the spirit in your life, every blessing that can be had will be yours. Just trust.

You should really just watch the whole thing. And explore that website if you haven't already.

I usually think of his story when I'm struggling spiritually and holding on despite a threadbare testimony, but it applied well to my current obsession. 

I guess there's also this fear that God is holding back blessings because I'm not righteous or mature enough, or just because he thinks I need to wait it out until I drastically change my mind about wanting to be married. It's like, "I'm only going to give you blessings when you no longer want them." But God is nothing like my dad or some cruel powerful figure who likes to withhold blessings. It's like Uctdorf's talk in a general relief society meeting some years ago where he talked about the Lord wanting to shower us with blessings.

I've seen an image like this SO many times on facebook. I thought it was made by the church, but I found this on google images.

And why would the Lord give us advice he couldn't follow?

I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants. (Mosiah 4:26)

I forget his character when I become impatient. Despite my faulty memory and the lack of trust I often have with my father in Heaven, I have recommitted to faith that things will work out eventually. And why worry about something that's out of my control when I have so many other things vying for my attention.

Now I will officially focus on schoolwork. Dating mind = off