Maps... and cavemen...

In my French class in highschool, the teacher had us discuss politics in French. It was one of those classes where they had to combine two levels--French 4 and French 5. I was in French 4 and I was nervous to say anything about politics or anything in French lest I reveal my ignorance in either topic. When it was my turn, I used very simple words and phrases to describe my feelings about politics: "Je n'aime pas toute la haine entre les deux partis. Ca me fait triste." (Or, in English, " I don't like all the hate between the two parties. It makes me sad.") I then babbled about how we make enemies of each other and don't try to understand the other side.

Speaking of the LA Riots, there's this moving play (Twilight: Los Angeles) by Anna Deveare Smith where she took interviews from Los Angeles residents about that time. "Swallowing the Bitterness" is my favorite piece from the play: https://youtu.be/Wr34x9VYf6I.  

I keep coming back to those same simple feelings I had in high school. I think we, as humans, operate with this tribal mentality of picking and choosing sides. It's not about disagreeing with a facet of an issue or a party or a person, it's about sizing up the issue, party, or person, simplifying it into an easy to navigate map, and then deciding if you accept or reject your well designed route. After this is done, you inject a lot of emotion into your decision and sometimes you make it part of your identity. After your identity is secure, you make every other route the pathway to hell.

While maps are very necessary to navigate difficult terrain, I think we sometimes place too much confidence in our assessments. I think we should be open to modifications--even drastic ones. I also think it's silly to hate the person who chooses an opposite route. And I think sometimes we make our maps too hasitily.

I'm talking too metaphorically.

A few years ago, I was sitting in front of the relief society of my ward as second counselor when the topic of women holding the priesthood came up. It was not part of the lesson but something on the forefront of our minds with Kate Kelly's growing popularity. I remember one woman in the group stood up and gave an impassioned testimony about the gospel and how she felt about those women who opposed the church. It was so passionate that a few other women vocalized their agreement in a way that it felt a bit like we were along the Bible Belt. I agreed with a lot of what she said, but her rejection of those "opposing" women made me pause. I felt impressed to share my thoughts of not making "those women" into the enemy, and to be careful not to alienate those among us that might feel sympathetic to Kelly's cause. It was one of those rare moments that I felt that my Heavenly Father was carefully guiding my words (perhaps so as not to alienate the speaker in my attempt to not alienate those who felt differently).

We do NOT need to be caveman in warring campgrounds. We DO NOT need to make everything into "us vs. them."

Especially in the church.

Especially with our neighbors in this beautiful country.

Especially with our brothers and sisters in faraway lands.

We need to think more critically than this if we wish to be the civilized people we claim to be.

I might still be over-simplifying things (and contradicting myself in the process), but this is the map I've made so far. (And maybe I'm playing it safe by sharing broader ideas rather than sharing my thoughts on specific issues...)

Soul-stretching sadness

You know what moves me?

This song:



It's odd seeing the clinical side of suicide and still being moved by artistic expressions about the fight to stay alive.

As a therapist, I gained a perspective that equalized human beings. I saw struggle everywhere I went for a while. Nobody was superior or inferior to anyone; everyone was just equally imperfect and "wired for struggle," (as Brene Brown would say). Hearing stories of struggle made me more empathetic and sensitive to the slightest plea for help.

I miss this though--the artistic side of struggle. You're left in awe at the people who fight through challenges because you see less of the minutiae. But I wouldn't say it's a pretty cover or an embellishment; it's the heart or soul of the person splayed out in artistic form. You don't see pieces because the artist is showing the whole thing.

While I might love the equalizer perspective in some ways, it's not all that true to the beauty of the soul. You can't help but marvel at the human soul (and the creator of souls) when you hear sad songs like this.

K'nooot, the golden retriever

I haven't written much about my fiance because I hate being that person who gushes about their love life. Also, I'm just not a gushy person (unless it's the gospel or a baby or a baby animal) (or if you want to be gushy and are expecting gushy in return, I'm more than happy to play along). Okay, so I can be gushy, but it's not all that natural to me.

Unlike my fiance who is EXTREMELY gushy. Honestly, it was a little bit overwhelming when we first met. He is so cheesy! 

It's a barfing dog. It's barfing because of all the cheese.

CANUTE.

No one has voiced any concerns to my face, but I'm sure there are people who wonder how we happened because we're kind of polar opposites.

1. Canute is very confident and outgoing and he loves attention from a crowd. I am reserved, quiet, and I hate drawing attention to myself unless I'm somewhat certain there will be a good reaction.

2. Let's go back to confident. Canute is confident. I am... less that word.

3. Canute is uncomfortable expressing how he really feels about things. I don't have any trouble expressing myself if someone really wants to know how I feel about something, and I can go on for a long time.

4. Canute is more of a theater person than me and I'm the theater major. I was never much of a performer though. I only really majored in theater because I love stories and writing dialogue.

He has SOO many costumes for cosplay. Oh my goodness, DORK. I remember when we first started dating, I was really caught up on that. I was like, "Do I want to live like this?? In costumes for the rest of my life?" And then for Halloween he was completely game for whatever I wanted to be as a couple. I changed my mind like 5 times in one day once and he was supportive every time. Then last minute--the week before Halloween--I thought of being the witch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He rushed us to D.I., designed my costume and his, and put together this miraculous thing:

It was so much fun! Also, we are adorable. Best costume EVER. I later learned that he wasn't expecting me to dress up and go to all the conventions he plans to attend. Still, it might be fun. I might go to a handful. I might even dress up a few times. :)

5. Canute is very comfortable with PDA. I am... getting used to it. (It's a mixed blessing. I love how he is consistently affectionate throughout the day and eager to express it through kisses and squeezes, I just don't like the attention from the innocent bystanders. It makes people uncomfortable.)

STAHP! Too many kisses! My poor friends have to take these pictures.

I really do thrive on physical affection though, so I'd rather be mouthing, "Canute, people are watching," than begging him to initiate more. It's nice being wanted and almost always getting a response whenever I initiate. I LOVE how affectionate he is. I never knew I needed that until I met him. 

6. Also, he is a goofball. 

SO MANY FACES. And somehow they're almost always of the creepy or seductive variety.

I'm always serious.

Always. 

I don't really know what we were going for in this picture.

7. Canute is more domestic than me--better at cooking, sewing, cleaning, baby playing--all the goods. I'm not bad at being domestic necessarily; it just takes me longer to cook, clean, and warm up to babies. I also know nothing about mending clothing.

Even though I half love this gender swap, I feel this need to make up for my lack of skills in masculine areas. I'm determined to become really good at cars and woodworking so that we have a good balance here.

It's also nice to be with a man who adores babies and attends to them constantly (it's unreal). I feel less obligated to because it's like he's compensating for me. I normally feel this social pressure to be really good with kids because I am female, but he takes the pressure off me. Paradoxically, I feel freer to be more playful with kids without that pressure, and I feel like I better fulfill the maternal social expectation when I'm with him even though I'm not as playful as he is. Does that make sense? In other words, I feel free to be myself which is more playful than I would be if I felt pressured to be playful because I'm with a playful man who takes the pressure off of me.

8. Canute is good at all academic subjects and graduated in a very challenging field. I'm good at a handful of things (in one or two subjects) and while I got a master's, there's still less of a wow factor than there is for Canute's field. Also, I will never be paid as much as him. SO DUMB

I want to write a novella with him. I made up this writing game and I was impressed with his writing skills. He's more attentive to story structure than character development, and I emphasize the opposite. He's also better at making up stories by the seat of his pants--I'm sure D&D has a role there. But for reals, this book thing needs to happen. 

9. Canute loves people--he will befriend just about anyone, anywhere, at any time. I like to keep to myself. What if people don't want to be bothered? Did you ever consider that Canute?

This reminds me of something I learned at the San Diego zoo. According to the San Diego zoo, cheetahs are naturally skittish around large crowds and the zoo had trouble in the past with cheetahs performing "The Cheetah Run" because of the large crowds of people watching. To train the cheetahs to be calm around crowds, they began raising cheetahs with golden retrievers to model calm behavior around people. The two animals go to every performance together and after each run, the cheetah can take note of the dog's calmness and follow suit. 

SOOO CUTE!!! AGH! I love animals.

10. He's also one of the least judgmental people I know and teaches me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't say I'm a judgmental person by contrast, but I notice things. Sometimes people are mean to him and he doesn't notice. I have half the mind to point it out when it happens but then I let him keep believing good things. That doesn't mean I'm going to be friendly to those people though. 

After our first month of dating, I decided to try singing with Canute--an activity that makes me feel extremely vulnerable. While I played the piano he sang loudly and playfully to every song. I felt at home belting along with him. I've never been able to do that with a significant other without feeling exposed.

11. He's really tall. I'm actually pretty average height-wise, I'm just short next to him.(It does strain my neck.)

12. He has a pretty unique name. I have a boring name. 

I like telling people he is Native Alaskan or that his parents love canoeing. 

I changed his profile picture on twitter to this canoe hahahahhaha. He still hasn't changed it back. You guys, I'm hilarious. 

Also, I love that he laughs at my jokes even if he rolls his eyes every time. 

Okay, Canute is better at everything and a better person in general and we have very different personalities. 

We also have common interests.

This isn't actually a real play. I designed it as a prop for our engagements. It's a reference to a favorite movie of ours and I googled the image.

We have very similar values and opinions on things. 

We're also both open-minded and eager to see and try things that are new and different. 

And we admire each other for our differences.

Look at us reading a play together on a mountain. We're so cool :)

Okay, so we're not reading in the picture, but that's what we were doing before the picture.

He inspires me to be a better person.

It's weird how being with your opposite really does complete you. We sometimes get into arguments over simple things like drawing attention to ourselves, but we are becoming more conscientious of our extremes in these areas. (One time, we were in a park and because we didn't have a blanket Canute wanted to set up his tent so we could relax on the grass without feeling the grass. I resisted the idea because it's a freaking park! You don't set up a tent at a park! Also, think of what it looks like to have a couple in a tent cuddling in a park. Talk about impropriety! We got in argument for 30 seconds and then I let it go because he agreed to only have the net up even though it was chilly. We compromised.)

Anyway, I love him. I'm hoping his carefree confidence will eventually rub off on me. Maybe I'll be able to influence him for the better as well! Either way, I'm happy to be marrying up. 

I win.

The Benevolent...non-nurturing of females...

Have you ever heard of benevolent sexism? Well, let's talk about benevolent sexism...

Benevolent sexism is discrimination against one sex from an honest-to-goodness place stemming from one's values. You could say that it's sexism done from a place of love.

Example:

A boss-man hires two employees with the same qualifications to similar positions. One is female and one is male.

This boss-man (unbeknownst to either employee) has a special place in his heart reserved for protecting women. To protect his female employee, he gives the harder tasks to the male.

Not too shabby for the female worker, right? 

WRONG.

Overtime, the male worker becomes accustomed to harder work and the female worker becomes accustomed to the easy stuff. When they apply for a promotion, the male is far more qualified. They may have started off as equals but because the boss wanted to protect the woman, she has fallen behind.

Why I am bringing this up... I'm going to be very vague so that these people aren't identifiable.

I carpooled with two guys the other day to a location. As we drove down the freeway, we laughed and chatted about things. Then one of them called me "cute" in a non-flirtatious way after I tried to be funny. I didn't really think much about benevolent sexism at the moment because I felt embarrassed--being told you're cute after cracking a joke is another way of saying that the joke was not funny. 

Later, as we were driving back from the location, I tried to join in the banter again. Again, I was called "cute." This time it was because I joined in an emotional reaction to something they were reacting to.

Then later in the drive, they tried to have an intellectual conversation on a subject I had already formed many opinions. I shared my thoughts and I interrupted some of their thoughtful silences. They listened to my interruptions--one of them responding to my thoughts--but then they carried on as if I hadn't spoke. The one who had been calling me cute ignored me the most. I interrupted about two more times before giving up. 

When the conversation returned to a more emotional/exciting subject, my feedback was welcomed. I was called cute again and given attention probably because it was something emotionally related and, as a female, my cute little reactions were sought after.

EXPLETIVES.

Pretty demeaning, huh?

Only close friends or my fiance should be calling me cute. Think of Zootopia.

Speaking of my fiance... 

It's nice to be adored for being me.

More about hope

So this semester has been tough. Like, really tough. I don't want to whine, but I also got a concussion Sunday night so I deserve a special holiday. I even got a doctor's note and everything.

[Insert image of pathetic looking horse]

I think something that has been especially tough for me is being pressured to be something I'm not. I'm not an outgoing person and if I don't connect with people after the first few encounters, I don't really try to move past acquaintance-ship even if we're coworkers. I've realized that with social work this is not an acceptable motto. Co-workers think that there is something wrong with you if you keep to yourself. (Sometimes clinicians pathologize everything).

I have tried so hard to be more social at my internship. Despite my efforts, I feel like I've already been put into a box for being more reserved. And I think my supervisor is putting all of these other character flaws into that box because deep down she knows she is not justified in disliking someone for being introverted.

But I do have support from the people who love me and from my Heavenly Father. Even some people at my internship can see that she's more corrective of me than other interns without good reason.

And despite everything else I haven't addressed, I have been blessed with scattered moments to float along before a new wave comes crashing over me.

You know, this metaphor reminds me of a connection I made awhile ago when I was reading through Ether. In Ether, the Lord commands the people to get on a ship that would be stuck underwater for large portions of time. They were prepared for this by the careful design of the ship and by the stones that would light the dark interior. You could say they were also prepared emotionally and spiritually: "I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea."

I presume the stormy weather was intentional--not necessarily for the sake of adding another trial to their load, but to expedite their journey. (Or maybe the ocean just needed to be tossed and turned at this point in history... (Like a salad... Or a boiling pot of stew... Who knows what the Lord is cookin' up.)) I doubt the people were thinking, "Why does the sea have to be particularly tempestuous for our journey? Can't he change that??" They probably were just willing to subject themselves to the will of the Lord, no questions asked. In fact, they praised the Lord night and day the whole journey!  For the moments that were tougher than normal, they cried unto the Lord:

7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

In the Lord's mercy, he lets the ship break above the water every once in awhile (winds never ceasing) to let the people breathe. Even though this probably was essential for their survival (oxygen and all), I believe we can be metaphorically blessed with opportunities to just breathe in the midst of our trials. The Lord may not take away the trial completely, but sometimes he gives us little breaks to unwind and get a glimpse above the surface. It is much easier to keep going if we remember that he is sending the winds so that we can make it to our next destination (and quickly). 

New Life Syndrome

Today, I was thinking about how a committed relationship can shift one person's outlook on everything. Your friend gets married and suddenly her life is redefined by this new guy. It's like her life started when she got married and everything that happened before doesn't matter unless it led her to this person she met less than a year ago.

It bugged me for awhile--this condition that plagued all my friends (especially when it was one-sided because their spouse was not as wrapped up in her world as she was with his world). Maybe I was also a little jealous. But after observing good relationships and bad ones, I've come to the conclusion that acting as if your life began the day you met your lover might actually be an indicator of a healthy relationship. We can call this variable New Life Syndrome.

I know this man who after being married for 20 plus years referred to college and high school as his glory days. He glows when he talks about all of the crazy things he and his friends would do and all of his love interests prior to marriage and how he was just a big-A stud back in the day. He still blasts his high school and college music in the security of his man cave, and he pathetically goes through high school albums and scans them onto facebook so that his "buddies" can see. When I ask about all the time that has passed since college, he seems to deflate and talks about responsibilities. (And probably envisions a tired, working, responsible man who never once took out his feelings of missed opportunities on his wife).

Meanwhile, he liberally appoints the label of, "Loser" to anyone he dislikes, which happens to be a large majority of the people he knows. Talk about projection. Okay, I'm going to stop bashing on this one person. He may have been going through a very long draw-out mid-life crisis that continues to this day in addition to all of this, so that may be something... Maybe.
The point is that he clearly has not forged a new life with his wife in mind. (And he's doing a ton of other stuff wrong).

You don't have to be an A-hole to suck at forming a "new life" with a loved one. You can totally be a great person and then turn into an A-hole later on by stubbornly maintaining a separate life and then blaming your partner for everything.

The choice is up to you.

And I don't think acting as if your life began the day you met your love is throwing out old interests or becoming enmeshed in his/her life. I'd say it's more like redefining your life so that your plans and your choices are almost always influenced by this new person. It's like principle 1 and 4 in Gottman's book: Enhance Your Love Maps and Let Your Partner Influence You. Bee-tee-dubs, this book is awesome and super straightforward.

Examples of people who seemed to live this principle when they were alive:

Richard G. Scott:

It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together.

Boyd K. Packer:

Sister Donna Smith Packer and I have been side by side in marriage for nearly 70 years. When it comes to my wife, the mother of our children, I am without words. The feeling is so deep and the gratitude so powerful that I am left almost without expression. The greatest reward we have received in this life, and the life to come, is our children and our grandchildren. Toward the end of our mortal days together, I am grateful for each moment I am with her side by side and for the promise the Lord has given that there will be no end.

Blah

I made this image last year (or maybe it was two years ago?) and I just found it on dropbox. Look at how happy I am.

I keep feeling like there's a cost to everything. I have always understood that you can't go one day without being encompassed by choices that will yield consequences, but it sucks when you can really feel it. Or to be precise with my words, it's discouraging when you feel weighed down by thinking about avoiding bad consequences. I think if I were my therapist, I'd say something to the effect of, "Well, how do you think you could reframe that so that it feels less discouraging?"

To which I'd respond, "Sometimes it's okay to just be overwhelmed and use thinking errors, okay? And I know you're going to say next(!)--"

"Sure it's okay to feel overwhelmed, but have thinking errors ever truly been helpful to you? Sometimes thinking errors can be the pathway to feeling overwh--"

"Shut up!"

I had this dream where I was in a collapsing building and I barely made it out alive. We held a banquet for all the survivors. Then as we were toasting to our survival (in a fancy building with huge windows with a great view to a war swept world outside), the toaster stopped to look out the north window. We all followed his eyes and saw planes flying upside down with dead passengers crashing into buildings all around us. One of those buildings was a tent that held medical personnel rescuing others from collapsing buildings. I didn't even feel panic about dying soon. I just felt this weight of despair that woke me up and it has lingered with me all day.