Soul-stretching sadness

You know what moves me?

This song:



It's odd seeing the clinical side of suicide and still being moved by artistic expressions about the fight to stay alive.

As a therapist, I gained a perspective that equalized human beings. I saw struggle everywhere I went for a while. Nobody was superior or inferior to anyone; everyone was just equally imperfect and "wired for struggle," (as Brene Brown would say). Hearing stories of struggle made me more empathetic and sensitive to the slightest plea for help.

I miss this though--the artistic side of struggle. You're left in awe at the people who fight through challenges because you see less of the minutiae. But I wouldn't say it's a pretty cover or an embellishment; it's the heart or soul of the person splayed out in artistic form. You don't see pieces because the artist is showing the whole thing.

While I might love the equalizer perspective in some ways, it's not all that true to the beauty of the soul. You can't help but marvel at the human soul (and the creator of souls) when you hear sad songs like this.

K'nooot, the golden retriever

I haven't written much about my fiance because I hate being that person who gushes about their love life. Also, I'm just not a gushy person (unless it's the gospel or a baby or a baby animal) (or if you want to be gushy and are expecting gushy in return, I'm more than happy to play along). Okay, so I can be gushy, but it's not all that natural to me.

Unlike my fiance who is EXTREMELY gushy. Honestly, it was a little bit overwhelming when we first met. He is so cheesy! 

It's a barfing dog. It's barfing because of all the cheese.

CANUTE.

No one has voiced any concerns to my face, but I'm sure there are people who wonder how we happened because we're kind of polar opposites.

1. Canute is very confident and outgoing and he loves attention from a crowd. I am reserved, quiet, and I hate drawing attention to myself unless I'm somewhat certain there will be a good reaction.

2. Let's go back to confident. Canute is confident. I am... less that word.

3. Canute is uncomfortable expressing how he really feels about things. I don't have any trouble expressing myself if someone really wants to know how I feel about something, and I can go on for a long time.

4. Canute is more of a theater person than me and I'm the theater major. I was never much of a performer though. I only really majored in theater because I love stories and writing dialogue.

He has SOO many costumes for cosplay. Oh my goodness, DORK. I remember when we first started dating, I was really caught up on that. I was like, "Do I want to live like this?? In costumes for the rest of my life?" And then for Halloween he was completely game for whatever I wanted to be as a couple. I changed my mind like 5 times in one day once and he was supportive every time. Then last minute--the week before Halloween--I thought of being the witch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He rushed us to D.I., designed my costume and his, and put together this miraculous thing:

It was so much fun! Also, we are adorable. Best costume EVER. I later learned that he wasn't expecting me to dress up and go to all the conventions he plans to attend. Still, it might be fun. I might go to a handful. I might even dress up a few times. :)

5. Canute is very comfortable with PDA. I am... getting used to it. (It's a mixed blessing. I love how he is consistently affectionate throughout the day and eager to express it through kisses and squeezes, I just don't like the attention from the innocent bystanders. It makes people uncomfortable.)

STAHP! Too many kisses! My poor friends have to take these pictures.

I really do thrive on physical affection though, so I'd rather be mouthing, "Canute, people are watching," than begging him to initiate more. It's nice being wanted and almost always getting a response whenever I initiate. I LOVE how affectionate he is. I never knew I needed that until I met him. 

6. Also, he is a goofball. 

SO MANY FACES. And somehow they're almost always of the creepy or seductive variety.

I'm always serious.

Always. 

I don't really know what we were going for in this picture.

7. Canute is more domestic than me--better at cooking, sewing, cleaning, baby playing--all the goods. I'm not bad at being domestic necessarily; it just takes me longer to cook, clean, and warm up to babies. I also know nothing about mending clothing.

Even though I half love this gender swap, I feel this need to make up for my lack of skills in masculine areas. I'm determined to become really good at cars and woodworking so that we have a good balance here.

It's also nice to be with a man who adores babies and attends to them constantly (it's unreal). I feel less obligated to because it's like he's compensating for me. I normally feel this social pressure to be really good with kids because I am female, but he takes the pressure off me. Paradoxically, I feel freer to be more playful with kids without that pressure, and I feel like I better fulfill the maternal social expectation when I'm with him even though I'm not as playful as he is. Does that make sense? In other words, I feel free to be myself which is more playful than I would be if I felt pressured to be playful because I'm with a playful man who takes the pressure off of me.

8. Canute is good at all academic subjects and graduated in a very challenging field. I'm good at a handful of things (in one or two subjects) and while I got a master's, there's still less of a wow factor than there is for Canute's field. Also, I will never be paid as much as him. SO DUMB

I want to write a novella with him. I made up this writing game and I was impressed with his writing skills. He's more attentive to story structure than character development, and I emphasize the opposite. He's also better at making up stories by the seat of his pants--I'm sure D&D has a role there. But for reals, this book thing needs to happen. 

9. Canute loves people--he will befriend just about anyone, anywhere, at any time. I like to keep to myself. What if people don't want to be bothered? Did you ever consider that Canute?

This reminds me of something I learned at the San Diego zoo. According to the San Diego zoo, cheetahs are naturally skittish around large crowds and the zoo had trouble in the past with cheetahs performing "The Cheetah Run" because of the large crowds of people watching. To train the cheetahs to be calm around crowds, they began raising cheetahs with golden retrievers to model calm behavior around people. The two animals go to every performance together and after each run, the cheetah can take note of the dog's calmness and follow suit. 

SOOO CUTE!!! AGH! I love animals.

10. He's also one of the least judgmental people I know and teaches me to give people the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't say I'm a judgmental person by contrast, but I notice things. Sometimes people are mean to him and he doesn't notice. I have half the mind to point it out when it happens but then I let him keep believing good things. That doesn't mean I'm going to be friendly to those people though. 

After our first month of dating, I decided to try singing with Canute--an activity that makes me feel extremely vulnerable. While I played the piano he sang loudly and playfully to every song. I felt at home belting along with him. I've never been able to do that with a significant other without feeling exposed.

11. He's really tall. I'm actually pretty average height-wise, I'm just short next to him.(It does strain my neck.)

12. He has a pretty unique name. I have a boring name. 

I like telling people he is Native Alaskan or that his parents love canoeing. 

I changed his profile picture on twitter to this canoe hahahahhaha. He still hasn't changed it back. You guys, I'm hilarious. 

Also, I love that he laughs at my jokes even if he rolls his eyes every time. 

Okay, Canute is better at everything and a better person in general and we have very different personalities. 

We also have common interests.

This isn't actually a real play. I designed it as a prop for our engagements. It's a reference to a favorite movie of ours and I googled the image.

We have very similar values and opinions on things. 

We're also both open-minded and eager to see and try things that are new and different. 

And we admire each other for our differences.

Look at us reading a play together on a mountain. We're so cool :)

Okay, so we're not reading in the picture, but that's what we were doing before the picture.

He inspires me to be a better person.

It's weird how being with your opposite really does complete you. We sometimes get into arguments over simple things like drawing attention to ourselves, but we are becoming more conscientious of our extremes in these areas. (One time, we were in a park and because we didn't have a blanket Canute wanted to set up his tent so we could relax on the grass without feeling the grass. I resisted the idea because it's a freaking park! You don't set up a tent at a park! Also, think of what it looks like to have a couple in a tent cuddling in a park. Talk about impropriety! We got in argument for 30 seconds and then I let it go because he agreed to only have the net up even though it was chilly. We compromised.)

Anyway, I love him. I'm hoping his carefree confidence will eventually rub off on me. Maybe I'll be able to influence him for the better as well! Either way, I'm happy to be marrying up. 

I win.

The Benevolent...non-nurturing of females...

Have you ever heard of benevolent sexism? Well, let's talk about benevolent sexism...

Benevolent sexism is discrimination against one sex from an honest-to-goodness place stemming from one's values. You could say that it's sexism done from a place of love.

Example:

A boss-man hires two employees with the same qualifications to similar positions. One is female and one is male.

This boss-man (unbeknownst to either employee) has a special place in his heart reserved for protecting women. To protect his female employee, he gives the harder tasks to the male.

Not too shabby for the female worker, right? 

WRONG.

Overtime, the male worker becomes accustomed to harder work and the female worker becomes accustomed to the easy stuff. When they apply for a promotion, the male is far more qualified. They may have started off as equals but because the boss wanted to protect the woman, she has fallen behind.

Why I am bringing this up... I'm going to be very vague so that these people aren't identifiable.

I carpooled with two guys the other day to a location. As we drove down the freeway, we laughed and chatted about things. Then one of them called me "cute" in a non-flirtatious way after I tried to be funny. I didn't really think much about benevolent sexism at the moment because I felt embarrassed--being told you're cute after cracking a joke is another way of saying that the joke was not funny. 

Later, as we were driving back from the location, I tried to join in the banter again. Again, I was called "cute." This time it was because I joined in an emotional reaction to something they were reacting to.

Then later in the drive, they tried to have an intellectual conversation on a subject I had already formed many opinions. I shared my thoughts and I interrupted some of their thoughtful silences. They listened to my interruptions--one of them responding to my thoughts--but then they carried on as if I hadn't spoke. The one who had been calling me cute ignored me the most. I interrupted about two more times before giving up. 

When the conversation returned to a more emotional/exciting subject, my feedback was welcomed. I was called cute again and given attention probably because it was something emotionally related and, as a female, my cute little reactions were sought after.

EXPLETIVES.

Pretty demeaning, huh?

Only close friends or my fiance should be calling me cute. Think of Zootopia.

Speaking of my fiance... 

It's nice to be adored for being me.