I'm going to talk about tradition now

You can learn a lot by spending time with people who think differently than you. Being challenged on seemingly neutral topics can generate more opinions than you originally thought possible. Since you can't avoid people who think differently than you, you will eventually be forced to confront your beliefs. I'm glad that I've grown accustomed to needing to articulate my thoughts or needing to defend my position (or make a brilliant arguments in my head once my opponent is out of the picture (somehow they always sound like Simplicio from Dialogue Concerning Two Chief World Systems)).

[Transition: I'm going to talk about tradition now.]

I've been noticing this battle going on between traditional thought and progressive thought. (BTW, I don't really feel qualified to be talking about this so I will use words that sound broad and holistic (like tradition and progress instead of conservative or liberal or Republican or Democrat).

Anyway, I've been noticing this trend to hate on tradition just because. Sometimes there is a really good reason that people hate traditions, but other times I get the impression that the tradition is hated due to the association it has with other traditions. (It's like, "Ew, dresses were invented before women's suffrage!")

I've seen the other side too...

One time I made the mistake of mentioning to my aunt how my friend's male fiance decided to wear a ring before the wedding. Her reaction was something like, "What?! Why would you do that?" To which I responded, "Why not? I mean she has to wear a ring before the wedding... why shouldn't he? I thought it was kinda cool.." "But it breaks tradition!" Me: "So?" Her: "You shouldn't break tradition." I didn't bother asking why because I knew that would lead to some sort of intervention where I would be taught the sanctity of tradition. And I didn't really care that my friend's fiance was doing something different. It was just an offhand comment. If only they knew about the nontraditional things I do care about! :O
Like joint last names. I kind of think it would be soooo cool to combine my last name with my spouse. Like in a really dorky creative way... like, if their last name was something simple like "Smith" or "Miller" or "Anderson," it could be changed to Spith, Spiller, or Spanderson. HAHaHA. Oh man, adding "Sp" to the beginning of any word is such a good idea. But hyphenating it would be cool too... especially if my spouse's surname was really long and foreign sounding. That would look AWESOME: Hello, married ward, we are the Spencer-Tsaregorodtsev's. hahahaaha
Silliness aside, I like the symbolism of both partners changing their last names because it is as if they are both leaving their parents and cleaving to one another as a new family. 

Also, sometimes I don't like following holiday traditions.Specifically Thanksgiving. I just never feel like having a lot of Thanksgiving food. And even though I've tried to plan thanksgivings with people where we make a pizza in the shape of a turkey, no one ever wants to. 

Whenever I hear people rag on the dreams of traditional thinkers, it makes me sad. If a woman wants to drop out of school to start a family, give her a break! It's her freaking decision, guys. If traditional thinkers can't make the final call on who is happiest in this world, neither can progressive thinkers.


I recently realized that I have made a huge shift to traditional views in the area of the family. (Traditional as in, having a family period. I'm not talking about the traditional family in this post.)


Long story to demonstrate the emotional piece of my shift...

In a therapy class focused on self-care, our professor led us in a mindfulness/relaxation exercise. After breathing deeply for a few counts, we were asked to imagine a place that was safe and serene. She listed off a few examples of common peaceful locations (like the beach or the forest) and told us to choose a location that felt safe. Then she asked specific questions to build imagery and the overall experience.

I already had an imagined place in mind (that I had used in a similar exercise) so I decided to start from there and develop it further. I envisioned a still bedroom with dusty light leaking through a window as I had before, except that this time, it was dusk, the lights were off, and the room looked blue from the outside light. I imagined the room in more detail--there was a computer desk, picture frames on the south wall, a slightly messy work-space, and three windows (two on the north wall and one on the west wall where I could barely make out the setting sun because of all the trees blocking my view). I was standing by a computer desk looking southward towards the doorway that led to the rest of the house.
When I was asked what noises I heard, I was surprised to hear noises coming from inside the house rather than outside the house--distant laughter. "But who's laughter?" I thought. The answer came right away--it was my family's laughter. "Which family?" I asked myself. Again, I knew the answer: it was my future family--my far future family. My children were already adults and they were gathered in the family room talking and laughing. I knew exactly where they were--just around the staircase, only two small hallways away in the living room (which was located right by an open kitchen and a sliding door to the backyard--I've never been in a house that looks this way by the way).
When I wondered why I wasn't with them, I remembered that I had only stepped away for a little bit and registered that I would of course be welcomed back. For now, I was spending time alone in this office space enjoying the distant laughter and the opportunity to ponder for a few minutes. My heart was full and I felt the utmost peace and happiness to hear them enjoying themselves.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've never really considered myself a family person. Because I didn't have the most functional family, it has taken me awhile to fully appreciate the LDS obsession with families. I considered it a bitter obligation you sign up for when you decide to be a member. Like childbirth but lifelong.

It was only a few years ago that I was persuaded to believe that family life could be enjoyable when I spent time with happy, functional families. It was so bizarre awkward uncomfortable off-putting to be in the company of related individuals who actually respected each other. I was sure they could see right through me into my dysfunctional roots, and that made it uncomfortable to be around them. I think I've gotten over most of that discomfort to the point where I really looked up to these families. In due course, I decided that it was real, it was ideal, it was possible, and that I wanted that.

Having made that conscious decision/goal to have functional, happy family, I didn't think that my deep-seated core beliefs would shift as well (and so drastically). I can honestly say that I no longer dread a family-filled future; I long and pray for one. I almost want to apologize for admitting this, but my professional/personal ambitions are a second priority to this new future family goal (I mean, I hope I can do both, but it's still a lesser priority). I would sacrifice a lot to have that image in my head become a reality.


I have strayed quite a bit from my original train of thought, but I think I'm going to end it there. Tradition values aren't the coolest ideas out there but sometimes there's a lot of merit to doing things the way everyone else does it. I guess that's my conclusion.

Wanting to be a persewer

I feel like I've been shafted back to square one. I was doing so well, and then... life.

I don't even feel motivated to finish writing about how I feel.

I hate being single.

I hate it so much.

My one friend accused me of not being very feminist when I complained about the woes of returning to single life. Well, I think my angst over singlehood is unrelated to being an independent woman. I just like companionship, okay?

I can be feminist and want companionship, CAN'T I??

I will prove my point through a veiled story about... not my life...

........................................................................................................................

Once upon a time there was an enchanted kingdom where there lived two types of people--people who had two squiggly Xs in their genetic makeup and people who had one squiggly X and something that looked like a short, malformed stick for their genetic makeup. We can call the first group the persoood and the second group the persewers.

The persoood were a special lot. Unlike persewers, the persoood were not expected to do much. They were supposed to sit around and develop their natural heavenly qualities to such a degree that the persewers would take note and pursue them.

The persewers were a less special lot. They were lectured night and day to find a persoood and were given the most hideous grimaces if they grew old and were without the company of the angelic persoood.

While most reasonable people among both the persoood and persewers sympathized with the strict expectations given to the persewers, not many people reflected on the restrictions placed on the persoood.

You see, the persoood, were handed their own set of expectations. Because most people considered the persewers to be more vulnerable and only doing their duty, the persoood were expected to give a lot of chances to the persewers.

A typical conversation between two persooods:
Persoood 1:  "How was your romantic activity with that one persewer with such a sweet spirit?"
Persoood 2: "It was okay. I don't think I'm into it."
Persoood 3: "BUT NO! YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE!!"

(Forceful shouting was also typical.)

So, the uninterested persoood would give the sweet spirit a chance after being inculpated by fellow persooods and maybe even platonic-minded persewers.

But what if, you ask, a persoood took interest in a persewer? Instead of developing its own angelic qualities, what if it did the noticing and asked a persewer to go on a romantic excursion?

What would happen with a group of persewers post-excursion if the persewer was not interested in the persoood?

I'll tell you: nothing. No pressuring. No shouting. No inculpating whatsoever.

You see, the persewers have no obligation to change their minds. And it would be absurd to be with a persoood who is more invested in forming a relationship than the persewer. That's the persewers job!

And so that was the lot of most persooods. They were considered the luckier group--but they were not all that lucky. Most of them would end up bending and loving a persewer they would have never noticed while most of the persewers would end up with a persoood they admired from the beginning.


................................................................................................................

I don't wanna bend.

Also, I plan better dates.

Feel free to set me up with your open-minded attractive persewers. Just give me their names and numbers. I can do the pursuing. If I feel like it.

BAM! Feminist powers restored.

Look at those photo-shop skills!!!

My boasting post

I was really antsy in church today. I couldn't sit still or stay awake or focus on anything for more than two minutes.

Knowing that all behaviors stem from thoughts and feelings, I pondered on why I was being such a spaz. But then I couldn't focus because I was thinking of all the things I needed to do today and this week. And then I had this urge to start pacing.

I am overwhelmed.

There is just too much to do and too little time.

I've never been this social in my life, or had so many opportunities to socialize that I didn't seek out on my own. Socialness has been thrust upon me and I don't know how to manage all of it.

I think I can appreciate the planned lunches and activities, but the spontaneous invitations are driving me crazy (because I can't say "no!"). And I get behind on things that I need to do.

Like me-time. I need me-time. Like, at least an hour of me-time a day. Just time to ponder, or read, or write, or do nothing.

Or spiritual time. I'm not getting much of that either.

And the more that I push me-time or spiritual time to the back-burner, I get more and more antsy.

I've ALSO fallen about 20 hours behind in my homework hours. (I only need FIVE homework hours a week to make up for the fact that my internship limits my hours to 29/week.) I honestly don't know what I'll do to make up for lost time.

Waaaah! I'm such a victim.

Just kidding. I really love my friends. I am so blessed to be loved and be surrounded by people who I happen to love as well. I just need to schedule better.

My mom says that people use social media to show off. Consider this my showing off blog.

Some cool experiences and cool people...

About 3 months ago, I got endowed. It was a healing balm to my soul and exactly what I needed at a conveniently devastating time.

That same week I went horseback riding for the first time with these amazing roommates (slash two sets of kind/loving grandparents of one roommate) who extended that healing even further.

We also did other things like try to catch chickens and ride old bikes. :)

Around the same time, I met an exceptional, swoon-worthy man who I definitely don't have feelings for anymore. He became unavailable before I really got to know him, so that ended. I've learned that that experience, though bitter-sweet, has been crucial to me not trying to get back together with my ex. I am SO grateful that I met him and I have a idea of what's out there. It's one thing to know on a cognitive level that there are better options, but it's another thing to have solid evidence right in front of you. Even if he's become this annoying ideal (that probably doesn't reflect reality anymore), I feel like I've been saved from deeper heartbreak and disappointment (and needlessly consumed time and energy).

Isn't this a cute puppy??

I went to a special storytelling party where we told stories around a bonfire, and I had the unique privilege of hearing a stranger's encounter with an odd disease and brain surgery.

I joined a dinner group and met new friends.

I practiced driving with my super generous roommate and later with a super generous friend.

I went on more adventures with the aforementioned roommates and got back into exploration mode. (A mode that has been curiously out of order for a couple years).

I reconnected with close friends on lunch dates/Netflix binges who may now be closer friends.

I had too few late night conversations with my now married roommate. :(

Oh Ruth. You provide the best contrast. Hahahahahaha I miss you so much.

I saw some movies with one of my best friends, including the unexpectedly gory Mad Max, the borderline intriguing Box Trolls, and the needlessly sensual Welcome to Me.

I trespassed the Widstoe days before it was demolished for good. And I made a friend in the process. :)

I went on a weekend retreat with these awesome girls in my cohort.

I went on more lunch dates with old friends.

Not actually during our lunch date--just a pleasant surprise this morning. :)

I went to my friend's choir concert and then explored the Springville Art Museum with another friend.

Another cool painting.

A roommate returned and so did sleep deprivation in the form of living room slumber parties, piss-smelling swamp cooler, and all the bugs (that could have crawled in our ears!!)

A day of wedding. So much wedding. And the first sealing I've been to--that was probably the best part. :)

And this cake was also the best part... I wish I took more photos that day.

I went to Inside Out and met a new adventure buddy! 

Look at us not taking the easy path.

My dear friends who left Utah last year returned two weeks ago, and it was like they never left. Oh how I wish they were here for just a little longer!  It was rejuvenating to have a day filled with effortless, unstructured talking. I felt so whole! Though spending individual time with friends can be so meaningful and fulfilling, spending time with a group of close friends felt...well, like heaven. (I'm sorry I use so many cliches. And so many "so's" and "just's." And starting sentences with "and.")

Then I hung out with those same friends and saw fireworks and played a drawn-out strategy game (I forgot the name of it... and I don't really care to know it... I'm pretty sure I'd only ever play it with them).

Later that night I stayed up til 3 playing Bang with those same friends. After which I received a much needed massage from my oh so talented, went-to-school-for-massage-therapy, light-saber/swordfight dancing, all sorts of nerdy friend. Thank goodness we've agreed to be friends again.


Last Thursday I went to an interfaith lecture given by an Orthodox Christian and thoroughly enjoyed being told I look twelve by a future seminary teacher. And then on the same day, I actually enjoyed hearing my friend's essay on Christian ideals of beauty.

I discovered a rock climbing buddy who happened to already be my friend!! How did this just fall into my lap so perfectly? I got exactly what I wanted soon after dropping the rock climbing class that I couldn't afford to take (A really hard decision to make, by the way). (AND she knows how to lead climb and is willing to teach me--something the rock climbing class was not going to go over.) I guess blessings come from being responsible.

  



This past weekend I went camping and made more friends!

I'm forgetting a ton of stuff, but I'm happy to have rediscovered friends. Even though I'm overwhelmed and really want to read a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and start this writing project I thought up, I have bonded with so many remarkable people and have participated in so many cool things. Those other things can wait for a little longer. Just SO sosososososo much goodness. And.