More about dating

Big changes in my life:

1) Working at a prison

2) Working with inmates

3) Pretending like I'm not afraid of my clients

4) Doing school and an internship at the same time

5) Having a nephew

Picture time!! 

  Image 1. My little sister with Rhowan. Image 2. Mi madre/Grandma/"Lita" with Rhowan. Image 3. Steph copying Rhowan's grumpy face       

I can't even.

He is a DIVA.

Back to my list.

I'm really overwhelmed with four of those things, yet I still give myself time to worry about dating. It's dumb. I'm getting over it. Whatever. Implementing a paradigm shift right now.

Okay, it's a bigger stress than I let on...

Only a few days ago, I admitted to myself that I have this colossal fear that I might not ever get married. I know, I'm freaking out over nothing, I'm still young, and a big part of my singleness is due to waiting too long on one guy. And it's not like I don't have an active dating life or that I don't get asked on dates. I'm pretty blessed. Still, the thought of living alone for the rest of my life absolutely terrifies me. 

In one of my classes, everyone went around telling the class about one thing that was stressing them out and one thing they were grateful for. Most people shared that they were stressed out about school and almost everyone mentioned that they were grateful for their spouse. When it got to me, I decided to be honest and say that dating was stressing me out and that I was grateful for friends. I felt really stupid because I sounded exactly like a freshman.

As would be only natural for a group of therapists, we processed what it was like to hear what everyone shared and what we learned. To poke fun at myself (and maybe redeem myself?), I said, "I was surprised at how many people shared about their spouses. It made me happy to hear that everyone in this room has healthy relationships. So I felt happy for everyone. Then, immediately after that feeling, I felt self-pity."

Everyone laughed. I said that to be funny, but I was being completely honest. 

Self-pity is a silly, pathetic creature. It probably looks like this:

Okay, I don't feel that sorry for myself. I mainly feel this weight of time. Cuz like, I could totally be gone from the center for Mormon marriages in only a few months. I don't want to be an adult on my own!

With these real (and maybe, stupid) fears, I'm reminded of a video I saw about three or so years ago on mormonsandgays.org. 

I am fully aware that my experiences don't even touch the tremendous struggles this man has encountered--I can't even compare the two. Even so, I think of his testimony from time to time when I start to doubt or falter. It comes to mind for little things too, like my dating fears.

Here's a beautiful excerpt from Ty's Story:

At one point, I was feeling very, very distant, probably as far from God as I had ever felt, and I had this very strong spiritual experience, kind of a mystical experience, where I was almost being enveloped in this feeling of love. There was nothing in that that was ‘what you’re doing is right, what you’re doing is wrong’ it was just this feeling of ‘I love you.’ And I felt like God knew me, that he remembered me. And I needed that more than anything. Again, it wasn’t an affirmation, it wasn’t a rebuke, it was just ‘I love you.’ And so I continued just trying to move forward trying to find reconciliation... I was in a kind of a devotional address and the instructor was talking about Isaiah, “But if you take hold of the covenant, you shall have a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters.” And as he was talking about this verse, I just had again like this very powerful spiritual experience, that my place was in the Church, that’s where I needed to be. It was a very clear communication that whether you get married in this life or the next is of no matter, just stay with me. Stay with me. If you take life a day at a time, continuing to seek and cultivate the spirit in your life, every blessing that can be had will be yours. Just trust.

You should really just watch the whole thing. And explore that website if you haven't already.

I usually think of his story when I'm struggling spiritually and holding on despite a threadbare testimony, but it applied well to my current obsession. 

I guess there's also this fear that God is holding back blessings because I'm not righteous or mature enough, or just because he thinks I need to wait it out until I drastically change my mind about wanting to be married. It's like, "I'm only going to give you blessings when you no longer want them." But God is nothing like my dad or some cruel powerful figure who likes to withhold blessings. It's like Uctdorf's talk in a general relief society meeting some years ago where he talked about the Lord wanting to shower us with blessings.

I've seen an image like this SO many times on facebook. I thought it was made by the church, but I found this on google images.

And why would the Lord give us advice he couldn't follow?

I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants. (Mosiah 4:26)

I forget his character when I become impatient. Despite my faulty memory and the lack of trust I often have with my father in Heaven, I have recommitted to faith that things will work out eventually. And why worry about something that's out of my control when I have so many other things vying for my attention.

Now I will officially focus on schoolwork. Dating mind = off