Hoping for Real Hope

I was working with a client the other day and helping her come up with lists of things she liked about those she trusted (with the goal of helping her discover qualities that she could see and develop in herself). She surprised me when she had me write, "Calls me out on my crap," for both her primary therapist and her foster mom.

As much as I don't like being told I'm in the wrong, I think I can relate to that on a spiritual level.

Recently I've been having issues finding spiritual peace and reassurance. I've tried going to the temple regularly and reading my scriptures and doing all the churchy things. And it's not like I haven't felt the Spirit or felt God's love--I have--I just haven't felt nourished. It's like I've been stuck outside in the heat all day, parched, and I'm sticking my head in the freezer trying to drink the cold air.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Jessica, if there's a freezer, there's probably a sink nearby. Just go get a glass of water, you silly goose." (Imagine you actually talk that way.)

I've realized that I'm not really focused. My head is in the clouds of possibilities and I'm doing stupid things to keep me distracted. I'm the reason for my spiritual dehydration. And part of the reason for the distance I've created between me and God is because I don't want him to call me out on my crap. I don't want to be told that I need to focus on others in my spare time or that I need to be working more diligently on my calling. I don't want to bear my testimony to others or share the good news of the gospel. I just want to work on stupid goals like learning how to beatbox.

*Sigh*

I read the talk "Brightness of Hope" by Neal A Maxwell the other day (and I know it's popular to love him and be an intellectual by liking his talks, but I really do love this talk more than other talks I've read on the same subject), and I learned about hope.

...those who look forward to a next and better world are usually 'anxiously engaged' in improving this one, for they 'always abound in good works.' Thus, real hope is much more than wishful musing. It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. It is composed, not giddy, eager without being naive, and pleasantly steady without being smug. Hope is realistic anticipation taking the form of determination—a determination not merely to survive but to 'endure … well' to the end.

While weak hope leaves us at the mercy of our moods and events, 'brightness of hope' produces illuminated individuals. Their luminosity is seen, and things are also seen by it! Such hope permits us to 'press forward' even when dark clouds oppress. Sometimes in the deepest darkness there is no external light—only an inner light to guide and to reassure.

I think I regularly try to find security in giddy, naive, and smug hope. My short bursts of determination aren't founded in anything lasting and real like the atonement or the plan of salvation. I'm so anxiously engaged in distractions that I'm bent over from the weight of looming fears that so often intrude upon my mind and heart. 

I don't have to be perfect to have the companionship of the Holy Ghost, but I do have to strive and be diligent to be nourished spiritually. Then maybe my confidence will wax strong and I'll have that perfect brightness of real hope that he's talking about. 

So there. I'm bearing my testimony. I hope this counts for something. :)   

This picture/image is called "Don't Look Back: Standing Still is Going Backward."

http://www.erikjohanssonphoto.com/work#/dont-look-back/