Lord, I cannot be comforted; help thou my choice to not be comforted

I was reading in Ether the other day about Coriantumr and his last-minute repentance. Before his people (as well as the opposing army) were obliterated from years of bloodshed and pointless war, he was told to repent of his iniquities or his entire household would be slaughtered and he would be the lone survivor to witness it. He writes an epistle to Shiz (the incorrigible little shiz) and pleads with him to end the war to save the last remains of the people. Shiz says he would spare the people if Coriantumr would turn himself in. Coriantumr is too much of a coward to do the right thing.

The chapter that precedes his change of heart describes the disgusting consequences of continuing to fight stupid battles.

"And so great and lasting had been the war, and so long had been the scene of bloodshed and carnage, that the whole face of the land was covered with the bodies of the dead. And so swift and speedy was the war that there was none left to bury the dead... leaving the bodies of both men, women, and children strewed upon the face of the land, to become a prey to the worms of the flesh. And the scent thereof went forth upon the face of the land, even upon all the face of the land; wherefore the people became troubled by day and by night, because of the scent thereof." Ether 14: 21-23

I'm glad Coriantumr was finally convinced that he needed to repent once it started to smell really bad, but it's crazy that it took him that long! "He saw that there had been slain by the sword already nearly two millions of his people, and also their wives and their children... and his soul mourned and refused to be comforted."

I can't imagine what that would be like to realize that you are the cause of so much death. I felt for him when I read that. I think this moment in Coriantumr's life captures the sincere desire to have mountains cover oneself for shame ("we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." Alma 12:14) As I thought about his guilt and shame, I noticed the wording "refused to be comforted."

I might be reading into minute details of a small phrase, but is it possible that God was trying to comfort him? Is it possible that God--though it was too late to repent and not reap the consequences of his disobedience--still loved his son and was reaching out still?

How often do I refuse to be comforted? I might beg and plead for reassurances during hard times, but is there a part of me that really wants to feel the weight of disappointment and loss before I will let myself be comforted?

I was reminded of Elder Bednar's most recent talk last conference "Therefore They Hushed Their Fears." He basically says that we need to have faith and choose to hush our own fears. The Lord has no control over what we choose to do with our fears, and he cannot assist us if we do not first quiet our fears.

I agree that it's ultimately our choice to be comforted, but I do think that God can sometimes give us an extra boost of confidence even when we're choosing to be inconsolable. If the thought of, "Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief,"is enough to receive the warmest, most loving reassurance of God's presence and love, I think our Heavenly Father sometimes lifts us out of our despair with something as small as, "Lord, I cannot be comforted; help thou my choice to not be comforted." Even a half-decision or the beginning of the choice to hush our own fears can be enough for him to reach out and help us out of our self-made helplessness. Then it is our choice to keep with it and move forward.

And then if we dig another hole, he'll still reach out to lift us up again. No matter how many times I've given in to despair, he's not left me comfortless. Often he'll let us spend time in the pitiful hole we've made because we keep climbing back in, but he'll keep coming back because he's our father and he still loves us even if we're all masochists sometimes.

I love our merciful God! It's so wonderful to know that we're never alone and that there will always be one perfect being who will never give up on us even when we give up on ourselves! I love the story of the prodigal son and the story of Alma the younger and all the stories about repentance and forgiveness and grace and mercy. And I love this painting:

I don't know what else to say even though I want to keep professing my love for my Heavenly Father. Just know that I know he lives, and that I love him and trust him. In Jesus' name, amen.

On a slightly less spiritual note (only slightly though), this is my new favorite song for the week. I think it applies really well. (Though it probably applies well to all of my blog posts hahaha).